


Labyrinth of Love

by surprisepink



Category: Hades (Video Game 2018)
Genre: ...Technically, Attempt at Humor, Conventions, Crack Treated Seriously, First Time Blow Jobs, Gen, Male Lactation, Sexual Content, other ships are joked about
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-15 12:15:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29435916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/surprisepink/pseuds/surprisepink
Summary: Zagreus learns that certain Elysian shades have some very interesting hobbies involving erotic fiction, including Theseus himself.
Relationships: Asterius | The Minotaur/Theseus (Hades Video Game), Theseus & Zagreus (Hades Video Game)
Comments: 16
Kudos: 42





	Labyrinth of Love

**Author's Note:**

> Happy Valentine's Day I miss cons.
> 
> The novel cover described in this is [an existing fanart by lunaroutlaw](https://twitter.com/lunaroutlaw/status/1326733039313907713)!
> 
> For the unaware, Ancient Greeks considered smaller penises to be more aesthetically pleasing and civilized, and [kykeon](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kykeon) is an ancient Greek drink.

It turned out that not everyone in Elysium was an exalted warrior out for Zagreus’ blood. He’d been gaining fans steadily, and in turn, Elysium had begun to offer him more chambers that contained no opponents. He’d always supposed that there might be some shades that could provide good company—you don’t _have_ to be a warrior to come here—but they’d been hard to find outside of the arena’s stands, and when he was fighting Theseus, making friends was unfortunately the furthest thing from his mind.

Elysium provided its residents with all that they needed, but it held no such obligation toward Zagreus. Still, now and then he began to find himself wandering into residential areas, bakeries, amphitheaters. The same signs of a community that one saw on the surface, or so he had heard from Achilles.

And so it was not much of a surprise when he came to a marketplace of sorts, this one with rows of wooden stalls, each one with shades crowding around it. Souls often seemed to compress into smaller forms when they died, so it was each enough to glance over them to see what was going on. At each stall there were piles of books, labeled in ways he didn’t entirely understand:

New! Patrochilles, R-18.

Champion & Mob, 56 pages!! See him stuffed!

Minotaur ♥ Mega ♥ Milk

Zagreus considered himself fairly well-read, but he couldn’t make heads or tails it. No matter. Many of the books had illustrated covers as well. He stepped closer to one of the stalls, ignoring any annoyed glances from the shades he had to push aside.

“What is ‘mega milk’?” Zagreus muttered, leaning in close enough to see the illustration on the cover.

Ah.

There was some artistic license involved, but the image on the front of _Minotaur ♥ Mega ♥ Milk_ was quite clearly Asterius. His horns were painted in very becoming shades of gold and blue, and he wore nothing but a tight shirt that left very little to the imagination. (Not that Asterius ever left much to the imagination, really.)

With absolutely nothing on the lower half of his body, Asterius pulled the shirt down to just barely cover the most important bits. It was all quite... striking.

As Zagreus stared, the shade on the other side of the stall looked at him expectantly. “Are you interested?” they asked. “Only 250 obol!”

“Of course I’m interested,” Zagreus answered before he could even think on it properly. “I love the... uh. Creativity? Say, is that the Bull of Minos?”

The shade laughed. “Who else could it be? I’m a big fan of his, and I bet you are too! I go to all of his matches, even line up to get tickets. I see you there all the time.”

“That’s not really the same thing,” Zagreus said, sighing. It wasn’t like he was fighting Asterius for fun, but the Minotaur always seemed to feel that there was no other option. Asterius seemed to be having fun, at least. “But you’re right, I guess I am a fan. I didn’t know there were books like this, though. Did you make it?”

“First time here? Welcome! Yep, I drew the whole thing myself. Wrote the dialogue, too, though there isn’t much!”

“And this sort of thing is popular, here?”

“Popular enough to be worth the trouble! Though we have forever to make these things, so that helps. Anyway! 250 obol.”

Zagreus quickly counted out the coins. “Who could say no to a bargain like that?” It was... curiosity, yeah. He needed to know what kind of things people are making about Asterius, who was his friend, sort of. That the book may have contained more images of him in various states of undress was mere coincidence.

(Hypnos recently explained to him what a “furry” was, and assured him that it was normal. This was also mere coincidence.)

The shade waved cheerily as Zagreus dashed off, allowing the others to browse her wares. Flipping through the pages revealed precisely what he had expected: Asterius drawn nude and glistening with oil, donning the regalia of a prince, even wearing a short dress with a frilly apron for some reason. All very intellectually stimulating.

About halfway through the slim volume, it turned into a story of sorts, a series of drawings with captions and dialogue. It still featured Asterius, now with Theseus at his side. The first few pages featured the two of them lounging beneath a tree, bragging about their latest win.

Then, Asterius began to rub his pecs, whining as he does. “My udders are so full after our fight. It’s been so long since you emptied them.”

“Hush, lover,” Theseus replied. “I know. You want me to milk your fat udders, don’t you?”

“Please. I’m so sensitive already. So hot. Gods above, I need you to suck me dry. I need to fill you up with my milk until you’re fat with it and it spills out of you. I need...”

On the next page, Theseus started to massage Asterius’ pecs, and Zagreus noted that the Minotaur’s nipples are drawn with particular loving detail. “Quiet. I know. You’ve been waiting all day for this, haven’t you? I’ll milk you dry.”

What proceeded was, as best as Zagreus could tell, not an especially accurate depiction of milking a cow, but one that was well worth the 250 obol. 

Where do they get these ideas? He’d never been much of an artist himself—it took him long enough to play a few tunes on the lyre—and the creative process mystifies him. But if one felt compelled to portray Asterius having milk sensually coaxed and sucked from his nipples by an attentive partner, Theseus is the obvious choice. That he could be such an attentive lover seems like a bit of a stretch, though.

Well, everyone needed a hobby. Especially in Elysium, which probably gets boring sometimes if you’re not content to stand in a coliseum and yell at people all day long.

As he looked around again, Zagreus noted that quite a few of the stalls seemed to feature Asterius or Theseus or, often, both of them. Almost as many had Achilles and Patroclus (looking at those too closely seemed rude), and Zagreus thought he saw at least one book that had _him_ on the cover, pinning Theseus to a wall and smirking (he quickly walked past that table).

(He also made a mental note where that particular table is, just in case he changed his mind.)

At the end of the row was an unusually large booth, and the books stacked on top of it seemed to be particularly thick. A glance over the shoulder of a shade that’s excitedly reading one revealed that it’s all text, a format that Zagreus is more familiar with. And the cover...

Zag guffawed, and several of the shades glared at him.

“Don’t like, don’t read!” said one. “It’s not our problem if you don’t like Thesterius!”

“Sorry, sorry,” said Zagreus. He didn’t mean to disparage their hobbies, really he doesn’t, but the book’s cover featured the most ridiculous scene imaginable.

It was Asterius and Theseus again, because of course it was, but the younger Theseus that Zagreus knew from the portrait they had hanging in the hallway back home, nude except for his cape and with that long hair that was really quite becoming on him. He was bent backwards, his eyes apparently fluttering closed and his spine at an angle that looked terribly uncomfortable. Asterius supported him completely, one hand cradling him and the other tilting his chin upward. The picture was clearly drawn with great care, including the flower petals that seemed to be swirling around him.

 _Labyrinth of Love_ the title read, which seems appropriate enough. The author was more surprising.

“ _Theseus_ wrote this?” Zagreus nearly yelled, and several of the shades nearby rolled their eyes.

“Well, yeah!” one of them said. “We can all do our best to make our versions, but nothing beats the real thing. Nobody else can capture the majesty of Theseus’ life the way he himself can!”

“Sure, yeah. Theseus and Asterius’ romantic encounter, before they beat the tar out of each other and Asterius got sent straight to Erebus. Does that sound about right?”

“It’s an _alternate universe version_ ,” the shade insisted. “And it’s _good_.”

“We’ll see about that,” Zagreus muttered, picking up a copy to flip through for himself.

> Even in the dim light of the flickering torches, the hero’s bronze skin shone. Each inch of it was more enticing than the last, from his silken locks flowing in the breeze down to his flaccid sex, its size as diminutive as any god’s. He stood tall and proud, shoulders squared back as he approached the Minotaur, courage not wavering for even an instant, for he was every bit a prince, and was confidant that soon he would come to deserve the title of king.
> 
> He’d expected the Minotaur to be a fearsome creature, ready to feast on his flesh at a moment’s notice, and indeed it was clear at first glance that the bull’s muscles flexed and rippled with the slightest movement. Theseus’ eyes drifted downward, across the Minotaur’s nude form, lingering on the thick rod sitting between his legs.
> 
> No! He could not think of such things, not when the beast had to be destroyed. Unless...

Zagreus grimaced, then flipped to another page.

> Forced to his knees, Theseus was now looking head-on at the bull’s sizable phallus, almost grotesque in its thickness. Despite the way the tables had turned, all he felt was arousal, and the manhood in front of him looked downright delicious. He knew what he had to do. He hungered for it. As he took the love rod into his greedy mouth, the Minotaur sighed in ecstasy.
> 
> Before now, Theseus had never touched anyone like this. Nobody had ever been allowed to touch him intimately, or even kiss him, and now he was sucking on a monster’s cock. It tasted salty as the sea, and felt like steel wrapped in velvet in his mouth.
> 
> He never backed down from a challenge, especially not now, and soon he was pleasuring the Minotaur as well as any man with years of experience. His throat loosened easily to accept the sword of pleasure into it, and soon the Minotaur came, what felt like gallons of thick bovine love kykeon pouring down Theseus’ waiting throat.

Zagreus shut the book. “Huh.”

“A- _ha_! I see you are enjoying my masterpiece, blaggard!”

While Zagreus was reading, Theseus had apparently come to the other side of the stall. He dully noted a sign about an autograph session with the autor.

“Of course this is the sort of book you would write,” Zagreus said.

“Thank you!” Theseus replied, beaming.

Zagreus refrained from pointing out that it hadn’t been a complement. “Does Asterius know you’re writing about his kykeon?”

“Of course! And he enjoys it!”

“Right, yeah.” Why did Asterius like Theseus so much, again? Surely not because of his literary talents. Maybe he was just _that_ flattered that Theseus was willing to rewrite their entire history to make it sexier. “Shouldn’t you be threatening to kill me now, or something of that nature?”

Theseus puffs up his chest. “I would love nothing more than to sink my magnificent spear into your supple flesh! But we will have to wait until we are elsewhere, as I cannot risk damaging even a single copy of my masterpiece. I commissioned the new cover from Elysium’s greatest creator of minotaur erotica, you see. ‘twould be disrespectful to damage her creations! Just buy a copy and we’ll call it even!”

“That desperate for sales?”

Theseus pounded on the table, narrowly avoiding knocking over piles of said masterpiece. “I simply need you to understand that I am above you in all things, sword and pen alike! And the other kind of sword, as well!”

A few of the nearby shades clapped and nodded, and one of them let out a low whistle. Another, the very same one one that was advertising the book about Zagreus and Theseus, appeared to be frantically scribbling something on a scroll.

“You know what? Fine. If it gets me out of having you use me as a human pincushion this time around, I’ll take it. Two, even. I know someone who will get a kick out of it.”

Theseus did not thank him. “For you, the signed copy is extra!”

“No thanks. I’ll get another autograph from Asterius.”

“Remove his glorious name from your dignified mouth at once, hellspawn!”

Zagreus smirked. “Make me.”

An _ah!!_ came from the direction of the Theseus-Zagreus booth.

He was downed by a tiny vermin this time around, which Zagreus blamed on how damned distracted he still was by _Minotaur ♥ Mega ♥ Milk_.

Hypnos, of course, was delighted.

**Author's Note:**

> Theseus' fetishes are having confidence in himself and choking on minotaur dick.
> 
> ETA 2/17/21 why did I just now think to call Asterius' pecs udders? This GREVIOUS error has been corrected.
> 
> Find me on my [fic twitter](https://twitter.com/surprisepink_) or my [regular twitter](https://twitter.com/seraphknights)!


End file.
